This Old Grouch

Wall Street In Arrears

2009-05-07T13:59:00.004-04:00

After the Wall Street Journal ran the headline, "Art Market Searches for a Bottom," the Venerable Grouch offered this classic and advised: "Look no further."

Latest Joke We Stole

2009-04-28T12:34:00.001-04:00

He: You say we can’t afford beer and here you are spending $50 on make-up.
She: I just wanted to make myself pretty for you.
He: That’s what the beer was for.

Time To Be Terrified (Again)

2009-04-24T22:56:00.007-04:00

Fat Bastard writes: "Let’s see, just when everything seemed to be going pretty well in my world (aside from the fact that my 401K has tanked, I’ve been fired and my in-laws are visiting for the weekend), comes news that I have to be afraid of a new strain of Mexican swine flu, or something, that is allegedly due to cross the border, probably via Tijuana, and head up my way pronto...then kill me. Having already been terrified by killer bees, the Y2K fiasco, terrorists' suitcase nukes, bird flu, WMDs, Sean Hannity and countless other scares that never materialized, I am going to sit this one out. Besides, I’ve already ordered a few pounds of pickled pork sausage from Nuevo Laredo for the in-laws."

Richard The Turd

2009-04-24T12:45:00.003-04:00

Sayeth the Venerable Grouch: The latest braindeath, er, brainwave of Chicago Mayor Richard M. Daley -- marking Shakespeare's 445th birthday (April 23) by proclaiming 'Talk Like Shakespeare Day’—has caused much hilarity around the globe. ‘Prithee’ ‘silken dalliance’ and the myriad other keys to a higher culture so obviously sit ill with such a relentlessly self-centered political machine. It was not always so. In “The Oregon Trail,” Francis Parkman, almost too ill to sit on his failing horse in a trek across endless burning plains to an unknown destination, when boiled dog was a banquet, records how one day, when he raised himself painfully into the saddle, the thought that occurred to him was “Et haec etiam fortasse meminisse juvabit.”

(Ed: As most of our astute readers--both of you--will know, that's Latin for "Perhaps it may please you hereafter to recall these trials.")

The San Francisco Treat

2009-04-22T00:57:00.005-04:00

For over a year now Fat Bastard has had this kind of creepy, semi-stalker thing going on with Kimberly Guilfoyle, the ex-wife of the San Francisco mayor (Gavin somebody) who just announced he wants to run for governor of California. Says the Fat Man: "Before her ex tells us where he stands on such important matters as gay marriage and bathrooms for the transgendered, can he simply explain why he divorced this babe of all babes? Enquiring minds demand an answer!"
(Ed: What is he, insane?)

McCain's Daughter is Like, You Know, Awesome

2009-04-21T21:14:00.005-04:00

The Old Hack notes: I apologize for thinking that Meghan McCain was yet another know-nothing blond bimbo riding to riches on her daddy's coattails. (Ed: Like Cindy?) Turns out she is savvy enough to know that Karl Rove is creepy: "Karl Rove follows me on Twitter. That’s creepy. I joined Twitter a few months ago; so far, it has been a liberating way to transition from political to personal blogging. It’s allowed me to share the less-serious aspects and humorously uncensored moments of my life. But there’s also been a downside: I am now being followed by Karl Rove, and my local sheriff, and God knows how many other political pundits. We need to take Twitter back from the creepy people."

(Ed: Karl Rove creepy? Who knew?)

Aaaaaaargh!

2009-04-21T12:50:00.006-04:00

The Good News:

MOGADISHU, Somalia (AP) — At home in central Somalia, Abdiwali Abdiqadir Muse frequented a dusty, outdoor cinema after school, watched Bollywood films dubbed into his native Somali and, his mother says, "was wise beyond his years." Now Muse — the sole surviving Somali pirate from the hostage-taking of an American ship captain — is a world away in New York City to face what are believed to be the first piracy charges in the United States in more than a century. He smiled but said nothing Tuesday as he was led into a federal building under heavy guard.

The Bad News:

Madonna is going to adopt him.

He Doesn't Look Well

2009-04-21T00:31:00.001-04:00

--LONDON, AP: "Stephen Hawking, the British mathematician and physicist famed for his work on black holes, was rushed to a hospital Monday and was seriously ill, Cambridge University said. Hawking has been fighting a chest infection for several weeks and was being treated at Addenbrooke's Hospital in Cambridge, the university city northeast of London, the university said. "Professor Hawking is very ill," said Gregory Hayman, the university's head of communications. "He is undergoing tests. He has been unwell for a couple of weeks."

Made Us Laugh

2009-04-19T23:12:00.002-04:00

Suddenly Susan

2009-04-19T10:11:00.003-04:00

Our advice to Worldwide Singing Sensation Susan Boyle: Don't change, we love you just the way you are!

Newspaupers in the Middle Ages

2009-04-19T09:45:00.005-04:00

The Venerable Grouch read recently that a thousand years ago (when he was very young), there were three main classes in most of Europe. The potentes were on top and the impotentes at the bottom. In the middle were the bureaucrats, the mediocres. Does anything change? he wondered. But where did the fourth estate fit in? Reading on he found the answer. There was a fourth class: the pauperes.

Who ARE These People?

2009-04-17T14:49:00.005-04:00

Fat Bastard notes: "I was at Wal-Mart buying a last-minute birthday card for another of my in-laws I don't really care about ($3.75 plus postage for this dork!) and I wondered how I got into this ever-widening gyre of family/guilt/distaste. Oh yeah, it was part of the "civilizing" process I went through after I got hitched. This guy confirms I am not alone:

"Ignoring my family of origin was one of the great perks of my single days. I had a couple of years of peace in between leaving home and getting married. When, for whatever reason, I wanted to see or speak to my relatives, I did so. And when I didn't (which was most of the time), I didn't...When I first met my wife, she had pretty much the same relationship with her own family. And that worked out just great. And then we got married. Somehow, after we were married, my wife decided that if I wasn't in contact with my parents or siblings, it was a reflection on her. And so I had to let that annoying bunch back into my life..."

We Hate Ourselves For Posting This

2009-04-16T19:27:00.009-04:00

So, we were watching the son of Gloria Vanderbilt (Doesn't she look great or what for a 190-year-old? Think she had any work done?) on CNN and he interrupted Cat in the Hat (Gergen) with the line, "It's hard to talk while you're teabagging." So we knew it was time (and we apologize in advance) to mainstream this:
"Teabagging is a slang term for the act of a man placing his scrotum in the mouth or on or around the face (including the top of the head) of another person, often in a repeated in-and-out motion. The practice vaguely resembles dipping a tea bag into a cup of tea. Teabagging is also an erotic activity used within the context of BDSM and male dominance, with a dominant man teabagging his submissive partner, either a woman or a man, as one variation of facesitting and/or as a means of inflicting erotic humiliation. "
(Ed: Shouldn't "facesitting" be hyphenated? I checked both "Strunk and White" and the OED but neither helped.)

Porn Again

2009-04-15T00:27:00.008-04:00

One of our favorite porn actresses, Marilyn Chambers, is no longer with us. This Old Grouch can reveal, although the LA coroner has instituted a gag order on the cause of her death, it was most likely due to a stroke.
(Ed: A sad story. We were all pulling for her.)

Made Us Laugh

2009-04-14T17:20:00.004-04:00

"Another Fine Mess..."

2009-04-13T01:20:00.001-04:00

The Venerable Grouch writes: Do you remember when Larry Summers was fired as president of Harvard after he suggested that differences between the sexes might – might – be a reason why fewer women than men have successful careers in math and science? Nancy Hopkins, a biology professor at MIT said that, if she hadn’t left the room, she would either have "blacked out or thrown up.” I’ve often pictured this delicate creature, and others like her at the top levels of academia, having to hang all day over the edge of their toilet bowls, just remembering this loathsome hypothesis. But now I feel sure Nancy goes whistling blithely to work knowing that, as President Obama’s chief economic adviser, the dragon is harmlessly employed running the national deficit up to $9 trillion

Stress Management

2009-04-13T01:11:00.000-04:00

If you've had a rough day, here's a stress management technique that really works. Just take a few seconds and focus on each step...
1. Picture yourself near a stream.
2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.
3. No one but you knows your secret place.
4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "The World."
5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
6. The water is crystal clear.
7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater.
8. See, you're smiling already

(Ed: We forget who we stole this from.)

Turn Me On And Let There Be Light

2009-04-12T19:04:00.008-04:00

We realize that the posting of this will send us straight to Hell after we die (without a chance at Purgatory) but this being Easter and with phrases of "Christ is risen" in the air, we could not resist.

Unjolly Rogers

2009-04-12T18:58:00.002-04:00

This Old Grouch is thrilled to report that not only has our blog been returned to us after being commandeered by the Somali pirates but the said pirates have been dispatched by the Navy Seals they so wantonly made fun of in the post below. We can also reveal that the Navy Seals decided to act after perusing This Old Grouch and reading how they were being taunted by the pirates. (We've also been advised: In lieu of flowers please send donations to "Pirates Are Us" c/o this website.)

Arrrrrrrgh!

2009-04-11T03:28:00.001-04:00

Another Message From the Pirates
Hey, all you rough, tough Navy Seals, the ones with the cool knives strapped to your legs and the mean looks on your camouflaged faces…We’re over here! Come and get us!….
Sorry, blog readers, but we were just taking time out to taunt the Seals. Pirates love that! We bet you are wondering why they haven’t blown us out of the water yet. Same reason they haven’t found the 6’3 inch bearded guy in that cave that most of us have already found on Google Earth. What are you waiting for Seals, another Surge? Want us to call your General Petraeus for you? In the meantime, please send us two million in small notes and a dozen cheeseburgers and you can have your captain--and some of your dignity--back.

Less Than Half Full

2009-04-10T01:00:00.000-04:00

Think you've made a killing in Wall Street's recent run-up? Don't count your chickens too fast, warns The Venerable Grouch: "Stock market watchers are smiling now the Dow has recovered 20 something percent since it fell 50 percent from its peak. But grouches remember the lesson of fifth-grade math – it’s probably what made them grouches -- to regain its original level, a drop of 50 percent requires a rise of 100 percent."

Made Us Laugh

2009-04-10T00:59:00.002-04:00

This Just In...

2009-04-09T20:37:00.004-04:00

Announcement From The Pirates
As of now, we have taken over this blog. Before we return it to its rightful owners, we have several demands:
1. No more pirate jokes. Especially ones like, “What kind of socks do pirates wear? ARRRRRGyles.” Not funny.
2. Send us a full team of Women’s Beach Volleyball players. We prefer the Brazil babes to those lighter-skinned Nordic types.
3. Parrots.
4. Get us the hell out of Somalia. Can you imagine having millions of dollars of ransom money and having to live in a hovel in Mogadishu? We’re thinking: condo in Boca.
5. Okay, there's one pirate joke we like: "What did the pirate say to the blonde? Prepare to be boarded."

Can't Get Enough

2009-04-08T20:56:00.006-04:00

The Old Hack notes: Had a few hours to spare last week and re-read War and Peace and Ulysses (for the third time). Also Aeropagitica and Remembrance Of Things Past. God, who doesn’t love the classics? Apparently, most of us lying literary sacks of shit: “Lying and cheating are not normally admirable traits, but I'd make an exception in the case of literature. A survey of 1,342 people…suggested that two thirds of us lie in saying that we've read books that we haven't… Chief among the books we never read but pretend to have read, are Orwell's 1984, War and Peace, the Bible, Joyce's Ulysses and Madame Bovary”

One Word: Kneepads

2009-04-08T13:55:00.004-04:00

Roller Derby is back. Why did it ever disappear? It was literate, intellectual and was formulated on the perfect dialectic of greed versus productivity, divided by kneepads. Hegel wrote about it. Wittgenstein was a fan. As was Levi-Strauss. So, we have no idea why it faded away. But as this roller-derby babe illustrates, how can anyone not go for a sport that stars ultra-aggressive gals in kneepads?

"Positively My Final Offer"

2009-04-08T13:19:00.005-04:00

Expect President Obama’s negotiations with the mullahs over nuclear weapons to become intense. “Iranians have been selling carpets for a long time,” the Venerable Grouch points out, “and now they are facing the world’s largest car salesman.”

That's Not Funny, That's Sick

2009-04-05T10:31:00.003-04:00

(Ed: Can't wait for the Broadway musical!)

Made Us Laugh

2009-04-04T20:58:00.003-04:00

Saddam
Hussein's
Cat

It's The Nut Cutlet

2009-04-04T19:20:00.004-04:00

A television crew came into the Venerable Grouch’s hospice yesterday, seeking the secret of growing old gracefully. They passed by his cot with averted faces to greet a white-haired gentleman dozing in the corner. “Excuse me, sir,” the producer said “Can we ask how you manage to look so well?” “Sexual activity,” he replied unhesitatingly.
‘Quick, bring the camera,” the producer hissed. “Tell us about it, sir.” “Well, the first thing I do when I wake up in the morning is to have a quickie with the early shift nurse,” he said, in his thin, reedy voice. “Then it’s rusks dipped in skimmed milk for breakfast to get up my strength for a tumble with one of the social workers who look after me. Lunch on nut cutlet and then a rather vigorous bout with the lady who changes my bedpan, a little nap, some gentle foreplay with the matron and, to set myself up for a good night’s sleep, a visit or two from the night nurses.” “That’s absolutely amazing,” the producer was heard to say. “Wait till the editor of This Old Grouch hears about this. And how old are you, sir?” “Twenty-seven.”

Canadian Club, On The Rocks

2009-04-04T14:21:00.005-04:00

Ah, Spring! It's that time of the year again. Trees bud, snow disappears and up north club-wielding hunters bash out the brains of baby seals. The Old Hack has seen the seal hunt up close and while it may be bloody, he supports it. "Ever spend any time in a slaughter house to see where your Quarter Pounders come from?" he wonders. "The only real difference on the ice is that there are no walls but lots of TV cameras. And Brigitte Bardot." We realize this is not the forum to debate the topic but it is the place to offer our favorite baby seal joke:

"This baby seal walks into a club..."

Made Us Laugh

2009-04-03T12:21:00.003-04:00

(Ed: Can't beat those military-issue vaginas.)

Trouble, Big Time

2009-04-02T17:28:00.003-04:00

According to the Savvy Grouch: "We are in trouble.The population of this country is 300 million.160 million are retired. That leaves 140 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school. Which leaves 55 million to do the work. Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government. Leaving 15 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden. Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work. Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city Governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals. Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And there you are, Sitting on your ass, At your computer, reading jokes. Nice. Real nice. "

The French: They Have Always Been There When They Needed Us

2009-04-01T10:52:00.011-04:00

After learning that French President Sarkozy said of the G-20 Summit: "As things stand at the moment, these projects do not suit France or Germany," the Old Hack is bemused to see that France is again marching in lockstep with Germany: "I understand he's threatening to walk out. If he does will he please leave his wife behind?"

(Ed: Apropos of this, we are offering a pic of his wife's behind.)

Made Us Laugh

2009-03-31T12:42:00.003-04:00

Fat Bastard Fired?

2009-03-30T18:11:00.010-04:00

White House Asks Fat Bastard to Step Aside
Fat Bastard, whose resignation was confirmed by This Old Grouch on Monday, explained his departure by saying he had been urged to “step aside” by Obama administration officials, “and so I have. This Old Grouch is a great company with a storied history,” Fat Bastard said, in an e-mail message made public by the website. “Ignore the doubters because I know it is also a company with a great future.” In an address on the future of useless websites Monday morning, President Obama said the request for Fat Bastard's resignation was “not meant as a condemnation” of him. “Rather, it’s a recognition that it will take a new vision and new direction to create the This Old Grouch of the future,” Mr. Obama said.
(Ed: Not a "condemnation?" Then why'd he fire his fat ass? Now what do I with a closet full of Hostess Twinkies, Ho Hos and Ring Dings?)

Yet Another Idiot

2009-03-30T12:30:00.003-04:00

Is this a great country, or what? Where else do former disc jockeys transform themselves into political pundits? The latest in this long line of under-educated rabble rousers, Glenn Beck, was remarkably candid about himself recently. But we are sure it won't be long before he takes himself too seriously to admit: “I’m a rodeo clown,” he said in an interview, adding with a coy smile, “It takes great skill.” He added later: “I say on the air all time, ‘if you take what I say as gospel, you’re an idiot.’ ”

(Ed: Somewhere in Montana a rodeo clown just shot himself.)

"Eating Her Turds Away"

2009-03-30T02:01:00.004-04:00

The Venerable Grouch has always implicitly believed a story told by his friend Dr. Grouch that, when a famous author was autographing copies of his book in Australia and a woman brought a copy to him, saying “Emma Chisit,” he duly wrote on the flyleaf “To Emma Chisit, Best wishes.” “Nah,” she protested. “Ah much is it?” Only this week, decades after the Venerable first began telling this story as if it happened to him, he read in James Morris’ “Farewell the Trumpets” that there is a whole hoary class of jokes on this theme, including Australian versions of numerous nursery rhymes. His favorite: Lilmi Smarfitt.

Aside From Hot Soccer Moms, Soccer Sucks

2009-03-30T01:46:00.001-04:00

We here at the This Old Grouch Anti-Sports Desk always wondered about soccer. How good can a game that prohibits players from using their hands and arms be? And it's foreign, boring and girls play it! We could go on and on but this guy already did:

"Soccer is running America into the ground, and there is very little anyone can do about it. Social critics have long observed that we live in a therapeutic society that treats young people as if they can do no wrong. Every kid is a winner, and nobody is ever left behind, no matter how many times they watch the ball going the other way. Whether the dumbing down of America or soccer came first is hard to say, but soccer is clearly an important means by which American energy, drive, and competitiveness is being undermined to the point of no return. What other game, to put it bluntly, is so boring to watch?" (cont.)

Reasons We Like Old Movies

2009-03-29T13:37:00.008-04:00

1. Seeing a movie trailer in which an over-excited announcer says, "Frederick March!...As you've never seen him before!"
2. The "I tell you" moments: Characters in 1930-ish movies saying, "I won't, I tell you. I won't!
3. Crowds at baseball games in hats and ties.

4. We are easily pleased.

(Ed: Obviously.)

Department of Corrections

2009-03-29T12:39:00.006-04:00

Q:How long does it take a man to fall in love?
A: Apparently less than 10 seconds, according to a report in the journal Archives of Sexual Behavior. Scientists claim it takes men just 8.2 seconds to fall head over heels.

--Fox News, 3/25/09

(Ed: Fall in love? Surely they meant "make love.")

Latest Joke We Stole

2009-03-28T21:31:00.003-04:00

A couple is married for 50 years and the wife dies. At the funeral, the pallbearers swing the coffin, which hits a wall. From inside the coffin, the woman yells, "Oh, my God!" She lived another four years. She dies again. The pallbearers are swinging the coffin. The husband yells, "Watch out for the wall!"

Complete Fabrications Inc.?

2009-03-28T15:17:00.004-04:00

"The best way to bring our deficit down in the long run is ... with a budget that leads to broad economic growth by moving from an era of borrow and spend to one where we save and invest," President Obama said at his recent news conference. With the words ‘trillion dollar deficits’ now familiar in even the rudest shack in the remotest hamlet, the Venerable Grouch confidently predicts the rehabilitation of those other famous slogans of Orwell’s Ministry of Truth: WAR IS PEACE, SLAVERY IS FREEDOM, IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH

Cock And Balls Are Shrinking

2009-03-28T10:42:00.005-04:00

We read this stuff so you don't have to:

"The number of people in Britain with surnames like Cockshott, Balls, Death and Shufflebottom -- likely the source of schoolroom laughter -- has declined by up to 75 per cent in the last century. A study found the number of people with the name Cock shrank to 785 last year from 3,211 in 1881, those called Balls fell to 1,299 from 2,904...People named Smellie decreased by 70 per cent, Dafts by 51 per cent, Gotobeds by 42 per cent, Shufflebottoms by 40 per cent, and Cockshotts by 34 per cent..."

(Ed: Knew a kid in school named Rusty Cock. Better than "Dusty" I guess. His brother was Randy. So was his sister.)

I'm A Narcissist And So Am I

2009-03-25T07:15:00.001-04:00

If the "Me" generation wasn't enough of a tip off, narcissists are in full bloom. (Ed: nice one!) Everyone, it seems, is a narcissist. Excluding us. But including you. And this explains most of the deep shit into which we've sunk. As this piece notes: "The narcissists did it. Some commentators are fingering them as the culprits of the financial meltdown. A Bloomberg columnist blamed the conceited for our financial troubles in a piece titled "Harvard Narcissists With MBAs Killed Wall Street." A Wall Street Journal op-ed on California's economy suggested that Gov. Schwarzenegger's desire for voter's love ("It's classic narcissism") helped cause the state's budget debacle. A forthcoming book, The Narcissism Epidemic, says we went on a national binge of I-deserve-it consumption that's now resulting in our economic purging. This is the cultural moment of the narcissist..." Case closed: The I's have it.

Beware Babes Bearing Burqas

2009-03-25T06:16:00.000-04:00

Religion. Ain't it grand? Hot on the heels of the Pope's latest commandment forbidding Africans from using rubbers, comes this missive from the mad mullahs of Saudia Arabia who cannot bear the sight of an un-burqaed female (goats, camels excluded): "Hardline Saudi clerics have called on the government to ban women from appearing on television and to prohibit their images in print media, which they called a sign of growing "deviant thought."... the 35 Islamic clerics also condemned the increase of music and dancing on television, as well as images of women in popular newspapers and magazines that they labelled "obscene...There should be no Saudi woman on television, in any case," they said. "There is no doubt that this is religiously impermissible."
No doubt, that is, according to their direct line to their imaginary man in the sky.

(Not So) Great Expectations

2009-03-24T15:44:00.004-04:00

The slump in retail sales, like all adversity, uncovers what people are really thinking. Recently the Venerable Grouch needed a bottle of one of the medications that are holding his ancient carcass together. Each bottle lasts two months. Then he saw a five-for-two sale online and splurged. “Wow,” his wife exclaimed, when the fivesome arrived. “It’s a lifetime’s supply.”

Postcard From Tehran

2009-03-23T09:18:00.000-04:00

Exclusive: This Old Grouch has intercepted an email from Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to Pope Benedict XVI:

Hey, Benny, caught you on Al Jazeera last week telling several billion Africans not to use rubbers. Nice one! I notice you didn't advise them to use the rhythm method. Another great joke opportunity down the drain. Hey, speaking of jokes, what's with that hat you're always wearing on your away games? Looks like an egret landed on your head. I'd stick with the little white beanie. Works for me.
Any plans to come here in the not-too-distant future? We could stage an acid-throwing or gang rape in your honor. KIDDING! Love to have you. And bring the Pope-mobile—the one with the bells that sound like an ice cream truck. The mad mullahs get a kick out of that! Gotta run; I'm late for a mid-afternoon fatwa and stoning at the Tehran Middle School for Wayward Virgins.

Ciao,

Mahmoud

Unlike People, Cliches Never Die

2009-03-22T10:58:00.008-04:00

The Old Hack tells us he never had much time for ridiculous press conventions like "the family curse" that is again rearing its shopworn head at the death of Natasha Richardson. He sent us this excerpt from the NYT that manages to both reject the curse idea and offer food for thought: "The freakish nature of Ms. Richardson’s death has already inspired ghoulish tabloid commentary on the curses that seem to descend upon famous families in showbiz or politics. It’s absurd, of course. Not to get all Beckett on you, but life itself is a cursed thing, fated to end before all promise is fulfilled."

"We're Number One!"

2009-03-21T11:37:00.007-04:00

As our more astute readers (both of them) may have noticed, This Old Grouch has no sports desk. We like to think this lack of interest in competitions involving balls, clubs, rackets, mallets, etc. reflects our status as more highly-evolved creatures than your average face-painting, tribal-loving football fan. Naturally, we were delighted to read we are not alone:

"Marx was wrong: The opiate of the masses isn't religion, but spectator sports. What else explains the astounding fact that millions of seemingly intelligent human beings feel that the athletic exertions of total strangers are somehow consequential for themselves? The real question we should be asking during the madness surrounding this month's collegiate basketball championship season is not who will win, but why anyone cares..." (cont.)

(Ed: What about women's beach volleyball?)

Dollar Bills

2009-03-21T00:34:00.003-04:00

Can't get your head around the trillion dollars figures that are being thrown about in our nation's capitol? Either can the Venerable Grouch, who notes, "Remember Senator Everett Dirksen’s budget warning? 'A billion here, a billion there, pretty soon it adds up to real money.' Not any more. "

Gutter Politics

2009-03-20T13:00:00.004-04:00

The Old Hack writes: "First they accused Obama of doing too much. Then they claimed he was doing too little. Now he's accused of hating retards. Sounds like, to make amends for his 'Special Olympics' slip-up on Leno, he's going to challenge a 'developmentally challenged' person to a game in the White House bowling alley. It'll be fun to see George W back in DC, won't it?"

Attention, AIG Execs: Just Do It!

2009-03-17T14:34:00.004-04:00

IOWA CITY, Iowa (AP) - Sen. Charles Grassley wants AIG executives to apologize for the collapse of the insurance giant—but said Tuesday that "obviously" he didn't really mean that they should kill themselves.
The Iowa Republican raised eyebrows with his comments Monday that the executives—under fire for passing out big bonuses even as they were taking a taxpayer bailout—perhaps should "resign or go commit suicide."

--All of us here at This Old Grouch couldn't disagree more. Those AIG folks should kill themselves. Take the entire Madoff family with them too. And save a few bullets for the Enron folks.

Calling All Paremiologists

2009-03-17T11:32:00.000-04:00

We like this guy's way with proverbs:
Opportunity
When God closes a door, he opens a window, one just high enough to hurl yourself from and finally put an end to your intractable credit-card-debt problem.
Self-Reliance
Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day; teach a man to fish and he'll assume you're imposing some sort of weird father-son dynamic on your relationship and, true to form, will start resenting you and harboring murderous Oedipal urges.

Latest Joke(s) We Stole

2009-03-15T01:33:00.002-04:00

A double steal; the cartoon and this: According to a recent poll This Old Grouch conducted at a mini-mall outside Cleveland, 99% of women loved this joke while 99% of the men hated it:

The prostitute says, "That's all." The nympho says, "That's all?" The wife says, "Peach. I think I'll paint the ceiling peach."

Obama's Hollywood Hit List

2009-03-14T16:01:00.009-04:00

From his splendid aerie high above the Hollywood Hills, the Venerable Grouch offers this perspective on national affairs: "With the new administration’s love affair with Hollywood in nauseatingly full bloom, I am looking forward to watching a parade of stars visit the White House and hearing their views on financial derivatives and the Laffner curve. There’s always a hope that the facade of universal love will crack and likes of Sean Penn will rough up an autograph hunter. I’m dying to steal Kenneth Tynan’s imagined headline: 'Shit Hits Fan'.”

Weekend At Bernie's

2009-03-13T01:23:00.001-04:00

Bernie Madoff, if you're reading this, we wanted to let you know about some research we found on a topic that you will soon--God willing--be intimately familiar with:

Prison Rape:

Sexual attacks in prison are considered rape when penetration occurs. It is estimated that inmates are approached with unwanted sexual advances over 80,000 times per day in the United States alone.
*13% involved white inmates raping white inmates
*29% involved black inmates raping black inmates.
*56% involved black inmates raping white inmates.
This comes to a grand total of 85% of prison rapes being committed by blacks, with 69% of the victims being white. The rapes of white inmates are normally done by gangs of blacks and somewhat in the open so that other inmates, but not staff, can witness the attacks. The blacks involved are generally in the joint for crimes such as armed robbery or severe assault cases.
One of the reasons for this situation is that whites lack solidarity while in prison and unlike the population on the outside, are the minority on the inside.
Scenario #1. A white middle-class man, let’s say a car dealer (ED: or a Ponzi salesman), is picked up for sale of cocaine, and is locked into a communal cell with four black inmates, all whom have done substantial amounts of time in prison. The white man is of small stature and has no street smarts. The chances of him being raped: Damn near 100%.

(A bit of free advice for the Ponzinator: When your new best friends ask you for "special attention," offer to remove your dentures or they may feel the need to remove your remaining teeth themselves. Have a nice day. )

Latest Joke We Stole

2009-03-12T18:37:00.003-04:00

Two cars smash into one another at an intersection. Both drivers climb out of their wrecked cars and one pulls out a whiskey flask from his back pocket.

"Take a swig to calm your nerves," he says as he offers it to the other driver.

"Thanks a lot," says the driver as he takes a drink and hands it back. "Here, you have one too."

"No thanks, I"d rather not. The police will be here any minute."

Made Us Laugh

2009-03-12T00:33:00.008-04:00

A MONSTER-TRUCK ANNOUNCER
BREAKS UP WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND...

K-K-K-K-K-KARENNNNNNNNN,
This SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY, I'd like you to have all your stuff moved OUT OUT OUT of MY MY MY APARTMENT APARTMENT APARTMENT, because I'm b-b-b-b-b-breaking up with YOU YOU YOU!!! I don't know what to say, really. I feel b-b-b-b-bad about all this, but it's like we're just not c-c-c-c-c-c-communicating like we used to... (more)

Let Them Eat Cake

2009-03-11T11:43:00.002-04:00

Our roving correspondent, Fat Bastard, reports that while the French media may be turning on France's new First Lady, he is still one of her staunchest (Ed: and fattest) supporters. As recently reported: "Carla Bruni is creating a buzz in France, and it isn't good. Being referred to as Marie Antoinette is hardly a compliment. Although the French first lady's country has been hit by a crippling recession, Bruni has been living the high life. She and her husband are staying at El Tamarindo Resort on Mexico's Pacific Coast, in a lavish beachfront villa that costs $5,500 a night. "

Says Fat Bastard: "Enough with the Marie Antoinette comparisons. She can eat my cake anytime! Remember what one wag said of the French: 'It is important to remember that the French have always been there when they needed us.' Or, as George Patton remarked, 'I would rather have a German division in front of me, than a French one behind me.'"

(Thanks to the New Bern Grouch for his research.)

The All Too Real Estate Market

2009-03-11T11:36:00.001-04:00

We were cleaning out a desk drawer to make room for our unopened brokerage statements when we found a 2005 article from the NYT that made us cringe. It detailed how folks were "making millions" on flipping homes:

"In several metropolitan areas, from Miami to Riverside, Calif., where the real estate market is white hot, rapidly rising prices are luring a growing number of ordinary people into buying and selling residences they do not intend to occupy, despite warnings from some economists that prices cannot continue to rise as steeply as they have in the last few years...Some investment buyers are willing to rent out their properties at a monthly loss, anticipating future sales price rises. Dru Finley and her husband, Hsiao-Li Pan, who live in Brewster, N.Y., bought a one-bedroom condominium in Battery Park City in Lower Manhattan last summer for $499,000. They rent it out for $2,225 a month, about $1,000 less than their mortgage and maintenance costs. The couple hope to make up the shortfall when they sell the condo in a few years. "It seems that real estate always goes up," in the long term, Ms. Finley said."

Oh Really? We know a man who has a bridge for sale that may interest you.

Yes and No

2009-03-10T01:43:00.000-04:00

Many of us here at This Old Grouch--well, some of us--have long thought that today's plague of bi-polarism has more to do with doctors in cahoots with crafty pharmaceutical salesmen than reality. (Even though one of our regular commentators, Bi-Polar Guy, would disagree. Then again, he might not.) Here's an article that backs us up: "With the broadening and softening of the criteria needed to label someone with bipolar disorder and aggressive marketing campaigns by pharmaceutical companies, millions of people are being told they have a severe psychiatric disorder and are being prescribed powerful antipsychotic medications. In fact, most are normal people dealing normally with everyday life issues."

The Dear Leader Talks Tough

2009-03-10T00:11:00.009-04:00

As a public service, the Foreign Desk of This Old Grouch offers the latest news from North Korea, courtesy of our Pyongyang correspondent, (the comely but taciturn) Miss Kim:

Pyongyang, March 9 (KCNA) -- The Supreme Command of the Korean People's Army released the following report on Monday as regards the madcap Key Resolve and Foal Eagle joint military exercises for aggression kicked off by the gangster-like U.S. imperialists and the warmongers of the puppet military of south Korea: The joint military exercises to be staged from March 9 to 20 will reportedly involve more than 26,000 U.S. imperialist aggression troops and the puppet army of south Korea...War maniacs should be dealt with arms, not with words...If the warmongers dare launch a war of aggression defying our repeated warnings, our revolutionary armed forces will counter it with resolute and merciless just war for reunification."

(Ed: "Madcap," "warmongers," "puppets"...who writes this guy's speeches, "Our-Man-in-a-Dinner- Jacket"?)

Arnie's Army?

2009-03-09T16:25:00.006-04:00

A shock awaited the slight figure of the Venerable Grouch this past weekend on a trip to Columbus, Ohio. As he writes:
"The hotel lobby was crammed with young women, with sullen faces, thighs like pistons and buttocks as hard as bowling balls (or so it seemed to my darting eyes). I had stumbled on part of the huge crowd for the annual Arnold Schwarzenegger bodybuilding festival. As I prepared to make my move – though feeble in mind and body I was counting on my obvious harmlessness to see me through – in walked, or rather trotted, their consorts: beef on the hoof wearing t-shirts decorated with snarling animals, instruments of pain and, on one door-filling body, the slogan ‘I’LL BE BACK.’
I went quietly to bed with my cup of herbal tea and wondering why, if Arnold can keep this crowd in good humor, has he caved in so disastrously to those middle-aged, flabby, sedentary girlie-men in Sacramento?"
(Ed: Might the asnswer be that Arnold is now more the Flabbinator than the Terminator? See pic for proof.)

inHuman Resources

2009-03-06T20:52:00.002-05:00

Proof that the HR people are getting younger and younger and less diplomatic

What Was So Great About The Depression?

2009-03-05T21:06:00.007-05:00

Does your your glass seem more often half-empty than half-full these days? A Grouch notes: "The Wall St. Journal’s Daniel Henninger has a question (March 5 2009): 'Has anyone in America had a single upbeat conversation about anything in the past three weeks?'"
(Ed: answers on a postcard.)

Mandatory Michael Jackson Joke

2009-03-05T14:17:00.004-05:00

BIG news on the entertainment front: "Michael Jackson is about to launch--" Oh, sorry, we don't give a toss. But this does give us an opportunity to offer our favorite Michael Jackson joke:

Q: Why did Michael Jackson rush to WalMart?

A: He heard boys' pants were half off.

Terror in the Skies

2009-03-05T11:58:00.004-05:00

Frequent traveler The Old Hack writes: "It's the moment we all dread. You're wedging yourself into your too-small-by-half airplane seat when you see the enemy approaching down the aisle. It's a mother with a babe in arms. She is, because Satan has cursed you, destined for the "spare" (until now, anyway) seat next to you. Why is it never the elegant 30-something business exec in high heels and the Chanel suit that takes that seat?"

After the NYT ran this article from an "entitled" parent defending his right to fly with an infant, a reader offered this Grouch-friendly response: "Perhaps someone can explain to me exactly why infants are flying. Infants need to be nowhere in particular; parents drag them around into confined spaces to the consternation of fellow travelers. Babies going to France? Wow, what a memory and learning experience that will produce for them.When you have a baby, you pretty much gotta understand that you’ve committed to something besides your own gratification. Society expects you to be considerate and refrain from bringing your child to certain public spaces at certain times. Your babies don’t belong on airplanes or in restaurants at dinner hours. They don’t belong in movie theatres AT ALL. If you can’t live with those inconveniences, please don’t have babies. Heaven forbid childbirth should mean compromising your life style…. oh heaven forbid. Better to impose it on strangers, huh?"

Latest Joke We Stole

2009-03-05T09:21:00.001-05:00

Teacher: "If there are five birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"
Student: "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
Teacher: "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking."
Student: "I have a question. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
Teacher: (blushing) "Well, I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
Student: "The correct answer is ‘the one with the wedding ring on,’ but I like your thinking."

Give him a chance, he's only just started

2009-03-04T01:46:00.000-05:00

After shoving this month's unopened brokerage statement into our top drawer, where it joins the last six month's worth of still-sealed statements, we received this timely message from the Venerable Grouch: "So here we are: the Dow down 25 percent since President Obama’s economic plans began to take shape, tax increases on wealth creators in the midst of a recession that is already stifling the creativity in everyone, a mountain of pork that dare not speak its name, the armies of influence peddlers not banished from the temple but feeding at the biggest troughs the world has ever known, a projected deficit so large that only astronomers feel at home with it and a battalion of nominees for the new administration who don’t know how to work out what they owe in taxes. And you thought George Bush was screwing up the economy."
Oh, and as the lady at the checkout counter at Wal-Mart always tells us, "You have a real good one now!"

Where is Thy Sting Now?

2009-03-03T11:20:00.005-05:00

Economy getting to you? 401K melting? Been turned down for that Greeter's job at Wal-Mart? We hear you. But, for some perspective on the meltdown, try looking at it from the vantage point of one of our most esteemed contributors, The Venerable Grouch, whose 80th birthday was noted (rather nastily) in these columns recently: “And to think," he said, "until a few months ago I thought all I had to worry about was dying.”

Timely Advice

2009-03-01T13:17:00.005-05:00

"Millions of copies of the 'Keep Calm and Carry On' poster were printed on the eve of World War II, but never displayed. Now the message has taken on a new lease of life in our troubled peacetime. The simple five-word message is the very model of British restraint and stiff upper lip. Keep calm and carry on..."(continued)

Too Much Red Meat

2009-03-01T10:11:00.011-05:00

Every single political pundit has noted that Rush Limbaugh's Castro-length speech to the Republicans' CPAC contained "lots of red meat." We asked our own Fat Bastard, a political middle-of-the-roader, to watch the speech: "I'll leave the political critique to others but all this talk of "red meat" makes me wonder why no one has mentioned Rush's blubber? What's he tipping the scales at these days: 325, 350 pounds? Isn't this the same guy who had the balls to write a diet book a year or so ago? My advice: Just say no to Hostess Ho-Hos. Ditto the Ding-Dongs, dittohead."

Ed: Please no more letters denouncing us as sexist. We know we are. (Are you listening "Young Heterosexual Girl?") But would you rather see a pic of RL as a lardass or this pic of a babe and a lardass?

Latest Joke We Stole

2009-02-28T01:20:00.000-05:00

Little kid at the mall approaches a security guard and explains, "I've lost my Dad!"

The guard asks him, "What's he like?"

The kid thinks for a moment and says, "Jack Daniels and women with low self-esteem."

My Mistake

2009-02-27T22:58:00.002-05:00

"My discussion focuses on dynamic depictions (film), but the arguments are intended to be general. I also discuss the perception of depictions. Here I argue that the perception of depictions is veridical. That is, I claim that people correctly perceive the depiction, as such, and rarely (if ever) believe that they are experiencing "the real thing" (that is, that which is depicted). Finally, I point out that while many depictions are uni-modal (e.g., paintings, silent movies), the act of perceiving depictions always involves stimulation of multiple perceptual systems. The perception of depictions is always multimodal."
Oh shit! Sorry. This is the blog for stupid people, isn't it? How'd I get here?

E=MM 2

2009-02-27T13:20:00.004-05:00

Squint, take off your glasses or look at this from 15 feet

A Penny Spent...

2009-02-27T12:19:00.007-05:00

When we learned that Ryan Air is now considering charging passengers to use their airplanes' toilets, we asked our resident skinflint and airborne lush, The Old Miser, if this would affect his trip next month on Ryan Air, and how he would cope. As usual, he smiled wryly and gave us a one-word cryptic answer: "Depends."

Gen X to Boomers: Drop Dead

2009-02-27T01:08:00.003-05:00

Just in case you've been wondering what younger folks have been thinking of us boomers and the mess we've gotten the world in, it ain't pretty: "Our elders, who bought prosperity and nice pensions at our expense and pulled the ripcords on their “Freedom 55” parachutes without leaving any behind in the passenger cabin, are getting it in the neck just when they thought a secure old age, with money for travel and expensive pastimes, was a safe bet. I’m willing to watch my meager savings suffer from market turmoil in exchange for contemplating the dilemma of those who are now between 55 and 65...." (continued)

Note to GOP: Keep Looking

2009-02-24T23:38:00.007-05:00

We watched the Republicans' Great Off-white Hope, Governor Bobby Jindal, and were underwhelmed. This is their next Presidential prospect? Reminded us more of Mr. Rogers. We were waiting for him to ask us, "Won't you be my neighbor?" Made Sarah Palin look formidable.

Nation's Blacks Creeped Out By All The White People Smiling At Them

2009-02-23T03:24:00.001-05:00

WASHINGTON (The Onion)—A majority of African-Americans surveyed in a nationwide poll this week reported feeling "deeply disturbed" by all the white people now smiling at them. First witnessed shortly after President Obama's historic victory, the open and cheerful smiling has only continued in recent months, leaving members of the black community completely unnerved. "On behalf of black people across this nation, I would like to say to our white brethren, 'Please stop looking at us like that,'" said Brown University psychology professor Dr. Stanley Carsons. "We're excited Barack is president, too, and we're glad you're happy for us. But giving us the thumbs up for no reason, or saying hello whenever we walk by, is really starting to freak us out." Added Carsons, "We just want to be able to stand in line at Home Depot without getting patted on the back. (continued)

Our Man in Hollywood

2009-02-22T12:19:00.014-05:00

No need to waste your time watching the Oscars tonight. Thanks to our newly-appointed entertainment correspondent, Old Bloke (left), we have the inside skinny on tonight's results:
Best Actress: The white-as-a-sheet babe from England. Not the other one with the huge lips.
Best Actor: That very, very creepy guy with the bad plastic surgery and abysmal hair. (Sick of him yet? Me too!)
Best Picture: The one they flew in kids from the dump to shill for. Hope they're feeding and de-lousing 'em.
Um, that's it.
Oh, and the answer to the question Red-Carpet hacks will be asking Old Bloke tonight: "Who are you wearing?"...Kenny, from The House of Spandex.
(Ed: We've nominated Old Bloke's pants for "Best Supporting Actor")

"That's Not Funny, That's Sexist!"

2009-02-22T03:26:00.001-05:00

Made Us Laugh

2009-02-21T13:09:00.002-05:00

More On Twits...And Tweets

2009-02-19T15:08:00.007-05:00

A good, semi-Luddite friend of This Old Grouch who wishes to remain anonymous (isn't that refreshing?) liked yesterday's take on Twits and Tweets (below) and sent us this piece on the growing dread of being--wait for it--unconnected: "...it's anxiety borne out of a deep-seated fear that we're being left out of something, somewhere, and that we may lose out on advancement in our work, social, or family lives if we truly check out. "The anxiety of being alone drives this behavior to constantly respond and Twitter and text, but the very act of doing it creates the anxiety."
As a very wise man said, "Just because you can doesn't mean you should."

Bits, blogs, twitters, tweets, twits and more.

2009-02-18T21:04:00.010-05:00

Consider the Christmas Newsletter. The one from a longtime friend that starts, “It doesn’t seem like a year since I sat down to write last year’s letter…” Every impulse tells you to toss it into the wastebasket but you push on, enduring such dribble as, “Jim got that promotion and raise he’s been working so hard for…We were lucky enough to visit Timbuktu with the extended family…Little Kenny got a full curling scholarship to…” Enough. The computer-printed letter, complete with tiny Christmas trees and angels on the borders, sails into the wastebasket as you shout to your spouse, “Well, we can scratch (insert name of the dearly departed friend) off our dinner party list.”

Remember how we all feel about the Christmas Newsletter when you are tempted to mass mail the latest installment of your nearly-new blog. The one that starts, “I know I haven’t been keeping up with my blog entries but…” Trust us, the sound of a million delete buttons can be heard around the world.

And that goes for almost all of your hastily-written, ungrammatical twitterings, tweets, bobs, bits and more. Writing takes time.

As a very wise man said, “Just because you can doesn't mean you should.”

"That's Mister Monkey To You, Pal!"

2009-02-17T21:12:00.008-05:00

Remember that story of a few years ago where the monkey escaped from the cage and tore off his former owner's testicles, ate his penis and chewed off most of his face? Well, we do, and not just because we are writing a Broadway musical based on it. (Possible titles on a postcard, please.) The most recent story about a chimp gone wild has a (somewhat) happier ending. The victim was only mauled in the face and hands. But we wonder if the media is sparing us from the real story.

Anyway, The Old Miser, who lost a bundle in the Madoff Ponzi debacle sent us this: "I have the perfect solution to the Madoff case. Get two 20-year-old, 200-pound, sex-starved chimps, have them each drink a half bottle of Jack Daniels, force feed them a handful of Viagra and push them into Madoff's Manhattan penthouse. Lock the door and leave."

(Ed: Sadly, we were right about the initial reporting: "Hurry, please! He ripped her face off," the ape's frantic owner, Sandy Herold, 70, is heard telling the dispatcher on the tapes released Tuesday night. "Listen to me, you have to shoot him."

Broke Yet?

2009-02-14T15:22:00.007-05:00

From TheOld Miser come a few signs that the economy is the worst he's ever seen:

--Ran into my old stockbroker at McDonalds. He's working there.

--Guys at the strip club were handing dollar bills to dancers and asking for change.

--Tried to convince my wife that Korbel is the newest bubbly from Moet Chandon

--My wife refused the Korbel. Told me to get my own Valentine's Day "stimulus package."

Speaking of broke, this NYT article asks "What's Your New Plan B?"

Made Off With Billions

2009-02-11T13:55:00.008-05:00

News that Bernie Madoff's wife seems to have made off with around $15 million the day before he was arrested, doesn't seem to worry the SEC, which is allowing the Ponzi King and Queen to relax in their penthouse. But saner heads are prevailing. This Old Grouch has learned that the Madoffs are being investigated by the IRS for hiring illegal immigrants to clean their penthouse. Seems laundering money is okay but illegally laundering clothes is another matter. Watch this space.
(Ed: No, that isn't Ruth Madoff but, trust us, you don't want to see her real pic.)

Ewwww!

2009-02-10T15:50:00.007-05:00

We know the economy is in the tank but why does just about every media outlet think they can improve things by offering up this former waitress with her simplistic money advice. We asked our own financial guru, The Old Miser, for his opinion of the horse-headed carpet-muncher: "Suzy Orman? I'd rather have a gin and colonic!"

Losing Your Grip? Time to Tighten Up

2009-02-09T20:53:00.002-05:00

Made Us Laugh

2009-02-09T18:29:00.004-05:00

Broke: Read All About It!

2009-02-09T12:57:00.012-05:00

This Old Grouch is proud to announce the launch of its new magazine, Broke: The Magazine That Helps You Cope With Losing it All. Aimed at those of us who have pretty much lost all our fortunes and have thrown away any thought of recouping them, Broke looks on the lighter side of insolvency. Here are a few articles in our launch edition:

"Gotta Laugh: Bernie Madoff's Investment Guide"
"Gruel. It's Not Just for Breakfast Anymore"
"Schadenfreude: These Folks are Even Worse off Than You!"

"A Getaway Weekend in Your Back Yard"

"Pro & Con: Kill Yourself Today or Wait a Year?"

"Who Needs Two? How I Sold My Kidney"

"I Love My Wife. But Make Me an Offer"

Warning: May Cause Cancer

2009-02-09T12:25:00.003-05:00

Punchlines Only

2009-02-08T03:01:00.004-05:00

1. "You better pet him first."
2. "It's the way you tell it."
3. "That's MISTER Chihuahua!"

Cashing in On The Final Exit

2009-02-07T13:28:00.009-05:00

Notes The Old Hack: Now that most baby boomers have come to terms with the fact that they are broke or are going broke or will soon be broke, it's only natural that they learn to cope with life's other inevitability: death. As a recent article notes, pondering the last exit has become--in the best of baby boomer traditions--a growth industry (ed: he means another way to make a buck!): "Slipping off the mortal coil is no excuse for slacking off. Only in America could the prospect of dying be promoted as a motivational tool to rack up frequent-flier miles. Bookstores and Web sites abound in self-help guides listing the 10 (or 100, or 1,000) things and places you must do and visit before you die (there’s even a 100 Birds to See Before You Die catalogue), as if life were a race through the supermarket aisle to grab as many experiences off the shelves as possible before collapsing at the checkout line. Breadth of experience rather than depth is what’s being peddled..."

Still Angry

2009-02-07T01:29:00.005-05:00

Sen. John McCain took his most direct shot at President Barack Obama since the presidential campaign on Friday morning, using a Senate floor speech to criticize the president for mocking the Republican concerns over the massive economic stimulus package....“The whole point, Mr. President, is to enact tax cuts and spending measures that truly stimulate the economy,” McCain said. He also took the opportunity to yell at President's Obama kids at the White House to "Get the Hell off the lawn!"

Inflation May Help Depression

2009-02-06T00:45:00.009-05:00

A Florida man was arrested yesterday after he was spotted fondling and making out with a pair of blow-up dolls in a supermarket parking lot...witnesses told cops that the man was "performing activity to two different blow up dolls in his vehicle that was consistent with masturbation and other simulated sexual activity." When confronted by police, he said that he was headed to Target to "get some clothes for his dolls." ("Crotchless panties? Yes sir, aisle four...and bicycle pumps are on five.")

Tax Relief

2009-02-05T12:12:00.004-05:00

The Savvy Grouch sent us this keen observation on the Obamanator:

"I did not vote for Obama but he is remarkable. In less than three weeks in office he has collected more than $150,000 in back taxes."

Cheney, Dick

2009-02-05T01:00:00.000-05:00

"Simply stated, there is no doubt that Saddam Hussein now has weapons of mass destruction."

--Dick Cheney, speech to VFW National Convention, Aug. 26, 2002

Dick Cheney said there was a “high probability” that terrorists would attempt a nuclear or biological attack against Americans in coming years, and that the Obama administration’s policies would increase the attackers’ chance of success.

--Feb. 4, 2009

Fat: The New Thin, Part II

2009-02-03T17:09:00.013-05:00

More on fat from our own lard ass, Fat Bastard: Grumpy old men, indeed. A beer belly, thinning hair and a bad attitude are all signs of male menopause, says Brad King, author of the book "Beer Belly Blues." Just as women go through menopause thanks to a drop in the hormones estrogen and progesterone, men too experience menopause due to a steady decline of testosterone. According to King, "By the time we're 60 we're producing, if we're lucky, 50 to 60 per cent of what we produced at our peak when we were in our 20s." The drop in testosterone leads to a loss of muscle tissue, which in turn slows down the body's metabolism. A slower metabolism allows the body to gain fat, which is often most pronounced in the abdominal area. ("You can say that again," notes FB. "My 'abdominal area' (ed: his gut) now has its own area code.")
Adds Mrs. Fat Bastard: "I'll say! If his gut phones his ass it's a long distance call."

As Young As Those You Feel

2009-02-03T14:43:00.002-05:00

It's official. The Venerable Grouch, one of our wisest correspondents, is now also our most ancient. Please all raise a glass to toast him as he enters his 81st year. (ed: Amazing, he doesn't look a day over 78!) As he wrote: "I told the Mrs. I didn’t want any surprises and she carried out her self-effacing task so well -- as she always does when the face is mine – that even the Queen withheld her telegram. Still, I did have all the excitement I can stand, including dinner at Roy Rogers and staying up till 8.30." In honor of his birthday he sent us a picture of a tree. We don't understand why he sent this pic, but after all, he is 80.
Notes VG: Just keep at it, guys, keep going. Pretty soon one of you is going to cross the line and, sooner than you can say dementia pugilistica.